When You Wish Upon A Star

In the grips of analysis paralysis, trying to determine a way forward, or at least a way out. Maybe imagining what could be, some creative visualization, is appropriate.

If I were "looking" what would I want?

I don't think there's just one answer to that: there are at least three, according to the expected depth and duration of the postulated partnership.

For the first answer, let's assume the expected depth and duration are "green shirt" and "quick." (Aside: "green shirt" comes from someone I knew a long time ago who expressed regret at the number of people he'd messed around with whose name, if he ever heard it at all, he could not remember--but often he retained fragments of visual memory, such as that the person was wearing a green shirt. This man looked and sounded disturbingly like my father would have at his age, so even though we were never close, I remember a lot of the things he said.) I think the requirements are pretty specific: there has to be some clear physical chemistry and nothing obviously repugnant in the tiny bit of non-physical interaction one may have in such a situation.

The second answer moves logically along the continuum to "dating" and "possibly a while." This is the easiest for me to imagine right now, though still by no means clear. I would hope for someone with whom there is the ability to emotionally connect; who would respect and understand all the oddness that makes me who I am; who can appreciate abstraction for its own sake; who is not fearsomely judgemental; who's pretty smart; who understands that we'll each continue to be an individual whose specific wants and needs may not coincide exactly with the other at a given moment in time; with whom there are meaningful shared interests, but who thinks it's ok, maybe even encourages, interests apart from those shared. A great physical connection/desire would be required too. Even though it ultimately ended unpleasantly, I had one relationship like this, and while it was good, it was magical.

Finally, there's the long-term relationship. I cannot really imagine seeking another of these given the state of the current one, but I suppose it would be "all of the above" with the expectation that we continue to be excited about ourselves individually and as part of the relationship as we grow and develop and change.

Vignettes

Interview
Don't ever show up for an interview reeking of alcohol and slurring your words. Though it leaves a lasting impression, it's probably not the kind you intended.

Potato Chips
I had a visit back in February that highlighted to me many of the ways that certain aimless pursuits can end badly. I didn’t even share it with my best friend, partly from forgetfulness and lack of proximity, but mostly from shame. The other person was not very attractive and wanted something different than he originally stated. I was way out of his league but proceeded anyway. In retrospect it seems like some kind of self-worth crisis.

Sometimes I'll find an unexpected big bag of chips in the pantry. I know it’s better to leave the chips alone. I pick up the bag, open it, convince myself that I’ll be fine with just one or two. I know I should put it down, walk away. This goes on for a while. Then when what’s left is too small for my fingers, I tip the bag up with one corner in my mouth to get every last crumb.

Maybe I'm lucky and don’t feel physically sick. But emotionally, I know I just totally lost control and don’t know how.

Happiness
I've spent a lot of time lately talking with my closest friend about happiness. I may have come a tiny step closer to a slightly clearer sense of what that means to me. I want active validation from others that they value the characteristics about me that I value. This facilitates connections in ways that are deep and meaningful to me and presumably to them too, or they wouldn't go to the trouble.

Shame and Hope
The other adult in my household had a 2-hour reunion visit with a friend he knew well 25 years ago, but hasn't seen since. I earnestly hope his friend told him that he's very fortunate to have an attractive and smart person in his life, since he seems utterly unaware of that himself.

On the Brink Much?

Sadly, I have nothing new--in the sense of "change in direction"--to report on the home front.

I have spent a lot of time lately "thisclose" to beginning the end. I don't know what holds me back (still) but: I think it's better not to do this when actively angry, but by the time I return a more rational place the anger, as impetus, has mostly evaporated.

I have decided that I probably should document in some detail why I think it's irreparably broken. So here goes:

• I think we have no common vision of the future
• I feel like he doesn't value the things about me that I think are most interesting
• I cannot determine what his view of the future is, so certainly cannot determine how well the present aligns with it
• I am free to hold any opinion whatsoever, as long as it aligns perfectly with his
• I do not find him physically attractive; I never thought he was a great lover
• We have not been physically intimate for over 4 years; I do not anticipate any change in that situation
• He does not seem to understand that being a couple does not mean being together and doing absolutely everything with each other
• He seems to resent that I've found things that are fulfilling but are completely separate from him (symphony, education, piano)
• He frequently ridicules the world of abstraction that I love; he ridicules me for that love
• He may criticize anything I say or do, at any time, without regard to his presentation or my feelings; I must never criticize him, because them I'm just being "unsupportive" or "inappropriately critical" or "argumentative"
• I must always instantaneously know the exact right answer to every practical or conceptual problem; that answer must align with his expectations and must be demonstrably fact-based or I'm being unsupportive, inappropriately critical, argumentative, or I'm making things up
• I must always be willing to answer any question, even when I anticipate that the answer will be unwelcome, or I'm being distant, disconnected, and I don't care at all about the outcome or his feelings
• I must not question anything presented as known or decided (broadly defined)--any attempt at critical or analytic assessment of a situation is an evasion of responsibility, a failure to make a decision, a direct attack of his personal views

Yeah, that's a bit of a mess.