Catching Up
So, yeah, it's been 8 months. I told myself when I started this that it couldn't become an obsession like about everything else I start. That self-admonition seems to have been pretty effective.
I completed the two spring semester classes with A's. I took one summer class and received the lowest grade I've ever received (on a class I actually finished): a B-. Everyone claims that it will be ok, but I'm still not so sure.
Fall classes started four weeks ago. I'm taking two: elective graduate-level applied statistics (I get the material) and a required senior-level Introduction to Abstract Algebra (I cannot imagine anything more foreign). So far doing OK, but only with Herculean effort for the algebra (which just goes over swimmingly at home).
Home life still sucks (yes, one may correctly deduce that I'm still partnered). I cannot imagine what my defective psyche is waiting for, but by golly, I can't seem to move. Not one tiny little bit.
I was thinking about this today and I realized something important: I've always believed that as long as I was harder on myself than anyone else, everyone else would always be satisfied with me. He, however, is in fact harder on me than I am on myself. Nothing I do is right or good enough. Intellectually I realize this is about him not knowing what he wants and being incapable of respecting that others have viewpoints too, different from his but equally valid.
I have also realized that I have this experience nowhere else. My few carefully-nurtured friendships sometimes experience mild disagreement, but are obviously founded on mutual respect and admiration of the other as a person of worth despite differences. My interactions with my professors and peers at school is positive and worthwhile. My interactions with my leaders, peers, and direct reports at work are cordial to warm. So it cannot be that I'm the problematic factor.
We had an interesting conversation Friday night. He wondered why the world just couldn't handle the truth, and he illustrated his point by sharing that he was saying some pretty rude things about someone he works with, and when another party to the conversation pointed out the the object of discussion might be within earshot, he told them that he didn't care. I asked how he would feel if he heard someone saying the same things about him and he replied that if he didn't generally care about the person saying them, it wouldn't matter to him what they said. I told him that is not normal, in the "social contract" sense of social interaction.
I wonder if he is ready for the truth?
I completed the two spring semester classes with A's. I took one summer class and received the lowest grade I've ever received (on a class I actually finished): a B-. Everyone claims that it will be ok, but I'm still not so sure.
Fall classes started four weeks ago. I'm taking two: elective graduate-level applied statistics (I get the material) and a required senior-level Introduction to Abstract Algebra (I cannot imagine anything more foreign). So far doing OK, but only with Herculean effort for the algebra (which just goes over swimmingly at home).
Home life still sucks (yes, one may correctly deduce that I'm still partnered). I cannot imagine what my defective psyche is waiting for, but by golly, I can't seem to move. Not one tiny little bit.
I was thinking about this today and I realized something important: I've always believed that as long as I was harder on myself than anyone else, everyone else would always be satisfied with me. He, however, is in fact harder on me than I am on myself. Nothing I do is right or good enough. Intellectually I realize this is about him not knowing what he wants and being incapable of respecting that others have viewpoints too, different from his but equally valid.
I have also realized that I have this experience nowhere else. My few carefully-nurtured friendships sometimes experience mild disagreement, but are obviously founded on mutual respect and admiration of the other as a person of worth despite differences. My interactions with my professors and peers at school is positive and worthwhile. My interactions with my leaders, peers, and direct reports at work are cordial to warm. So it cannot be that I'm the problematic factor.
We had an interesting conversation Friday night. He wondered why the world just couldn't handle the truth, and he illustrated his point by sharing that he was saying some pretty rude things about someone he works with, and when another party to the conversation pointed out the the object of discussion might be within earshot, he told them that he didn't care. I asked how he would feel if he heard someone saying the same things about him and he replied that if he didn't generally care about the person saying them, it wouldn't matter to him what they said. I told him that is not normal, in the "social contract" sense of social interaction.
I wonder if he is ready for the truth?
posted by Compos Mentis at 4:07 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home